Honestly...

You'd think that on an 8000 student campus, I wouldn't feel lonely. Sure, I'm six hours from home, but I have really good friends here. So where are they? I found myself wandering around campus last night and there was literally no one around. No one was answering my texts. I was left alone with my subconscious and God. And I guess it was good to have some alone time to rearrange and sort through my thoughts, but I hate being alone. It's a really big fear of mine.

I don't really know, but it's just a really strange feeling being alone. Part of me hating it is because it makes me feel powerless. I like to think that I can take care of myself, but I've had so much support lately that as soon as I was without it, I felt helpless. Being alone means that all the things bothering me have to the power to overtake me. I had no one to talk to except the open air, and a God I can't see or physically touch except the creation that is around me.

Is it just that I haven't been keeping in touch with other people well? Am I the one not trying? Or all we all just busy? I think part of it is that when I'm not around people I know, I don't feel like I fit in here. There are very few people I click well with, and as soon as they are gone, I'm afraid to approach anyone else. Or maybe I don't know who I am, and I just become someone people can accept when I'm around them. Either way, I'm lonely.

But I'm done trying to find solace in places that will just destroy me in the end. But is it wrong of me to want some comfort while I walk on this earth? Yes, I know, we are to fill that void with God because he is the greatest comforter, he is the greatest love story and is with those in need. I am done finding comfort in all the wrong places, but now I yearn for a whole and godly relationship, but it eludes me. I know that if I wait I will be rewarded...but as this loneliness overtakes me I find it harder and harder to wait. Friends can never fill the place in the heart reserved for love. God can, but I am still human. Or is that just an excuse?

I just can't shake this empty feeling. I am without my support system here, and home is far away. Really...is this some kind of test to see if I will fail? I won't. I won't give in but it won't stop this feeling.